Matt Jones

How MasterChef is prepared

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Here's how it goes …

John and Greg are the only physical members of the production crew. The entire programme is conceived, produced and edited by some kind of monstrous autonomous machine that kidnaps members of the public (some of which it refers to as celebrities) and puts them, bewildered, into a large kitchen.

It then threatens them with something off-screen and unspeakable unless they cook food while they blather on about how much this competition means to them, how disappointed they'll be if they lose, and how much they enjoy cooking.

It gets John and Greg to pull a few confused expressions at cookware, then say a few positive and negative things about food to camera, like ‘it's crispy on the outside, soft in the middle’ and ‘it needs more seasoning’.

Then, with footage recorded and an emotionally manipulative soundtrack thrown into the pot, this dreadful automaton puts the programme together using a strictly defined sequence of shots and edits, churning out series after series in a matter of hours.

… in case you were wondering.